Contest: Best Walks-into-a-Bar Joke

[Mark Hofman]

A little contest to entertain everyone as the water starts to freeze: Share you best (INSERT PERSON/ANIMAL/ENTITY HERE) walks into a bar and..." joke.



In honor of Halloween, here's mine:



A skeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me a beer and a mop."





May the best member win.

 

[Mark Hofman]

and for a little more momentum...



Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.

 

[Mark Hofman]

Or did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

 

[bob szymakowski]

two guys are walking their dogs in a southern hot August..one says''man I need a beer" his bud says..no way will you get served with a dog....bud says...'watch'..he walks into a bar and say 'bartender I want a beer"..bartender says'sorry cant serve you cuz you have a dog'...the guy replies.."but its a seeing eye dog'..bartender says ''a doberman",guys says.."ya..they are smart and listen to commands"..So the tender serves a beer. His buddy walks in as sits at the bar and says..'I would like a beer"..bartender says..'sorry cant serve you becuzz of the dog"..the guy replies.."but its a seeing eye dog"..the bartender says...."A chihuahua"???....



guys says..'dam they gave me a chihuahua'???????????:blink:

 

[Tom Jones]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his beltbuckle.

The bartender says..."What's that wheel for?"

The pirate says..."Aaargh, it drives me nuts!":blink:

 

[TrepMan]

A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his head

The barternder says, "Hey, where did you get that?"

The frog say, "Brooklyn. They're everywhere!"

 

[Scott R]

A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,

the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and

eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool

table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in

his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you

see what your monkey just did?"



"No, what?"



"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."



The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and

leaves.



Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a

drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing

his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it

up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.





Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and

eats it.



The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"



"No, what?" replied the man.



"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and

ate them!" said the bartender.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in

sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

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Guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes" Man at the end of the bar says" I object to that remark". Guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man says "No, I'm an A-hole"

__________________________________________________________________________________________



A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.

He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?"

The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

 

[Mark Hofman]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says,

 

[Steve Rizza]

A baby seal walks into a club................:wacko:

 

[Greg Meyer]

Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

 

[ND Bass]

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Bartender asks, "Why do you have a paper towel on your head"? Pirate says, "Argh that's no paper towel, thar's a bounty on me head".

 

[Rich D]

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and looks around. In back there's a horse with a bushel of money in front of him. Every couple minutes someone walks up to the horse,drops money into the bushel, whispers something and walks away. The bartender brings the guy a 2nd beer and our guy asks "What's with the horse?" The bartender tells him it's a contest that's been going on for about a year. "You pay your money and if you can make that horse laugh, you win the money. No one's won yet." The guy thinks about this, finishes his beer, takes out a $10, drops it in the bushel and whispers something to the horse. The horse starts snickering, then busts out laughing! Everyone in the bar is shocked! The guy picks up the money and walks out. About a year later - same guy, same bar, same horse, a barrel of money! Our guy asks the bartender; "So do you have to make the horse laugh again?" The bartender shakes his head; "Nope, this time you have to make that horse cry." The guy nods, finishes his beer, walks back to the horse, pays his money, does something the patrons can't see and the horse starts sobbing!!! The guy starts wheeling the barrel out the door and the bartender stops him. "Buddy, you gotta tell us how you did it." "Oh, it was easy," our guy replied. "The first time I told him I was bigger than he was. The second time I showed him!"



And that folks is how I paid for my boat!

 

[Leigh Price]

OK....A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar followed by an Irishman, an Italian and a Greek, they are followed by a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, who are followed by a pig, a duck and a monkey. The bartender looks up at this group and says

"OK...what is this...some kind of a friggin joke"?

 

[William H. (Bill) Barham]

Sen. John Kerry walked into a bar..The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"



Uncle Billy

 

[Randy Walls]

Two Penis' walk into a bar when one says to the other, "Why do you want to go in here?" the other replies, "I feel like getting Sh*tfaced!":wacko:



Hope not too much!



Randy!

 

[David Munaretto]

My brother and I walk into a bar with my 5 year old a year or so ago...



Knock Knock

Whos There

I Eat Mop...