Accurate Tool Definitions

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VA Chris

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ACCURATE TOOL DEFINITIONS:



1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly painted part you were drying.



2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint

whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to

say, "SH**!!!"



3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.



4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.



5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.



6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the

palm of your hand.



7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.



8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.



9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.



10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an

automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.



11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.



12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.



13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.



14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes

and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.



15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.



16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool

that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

without the handle.



17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes

called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine

vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at

about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.



19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used,

as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.



20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that

grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and

rounds them off.



21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



22. HOSE CUTTE
 
All those are vey good definitions of what NOT to do:lol:
 
Soldering Iron: Device that is used to melt needed insulation from critical wiring in any electronic circuit, thereby creating a short circuit. Alternate use is to burn the crap out of your fingers that are attempting to hold the critical wiring in place.



Tex
 
Router: Useful for making lots of decorative sawdust and little else.
 
Puttin' your name on a piece of wood on the front of your house I guess:lol:
 
Don't forget the Crescent-Hammer. If you can't get the nut loose...beat the crap out of it to see if it loosens.
 
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