Greg Meyer
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- Joined
- Sep 27, 2001
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Da Rules of Chicago
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live Nort or Sout of Roosevelt Rd.
(We all know that the Nort side is for "normal" people... cross that line to the Sout and you are in the Twilight Zone back in the 50's where there's a bowling alley on every corner.)
Next, if your road map is more then a few weeks old, throw it out, and buy a new one.
If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules...
"Close your eyes, hit the gas, and pray!"
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago, we all drive like that!
All directions start with, "Get on I-94" which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from Midnight to Noon.
The evening rush hour is from Noon to Midnight.
The weekend rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, or possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect on their vehicle.
Car horns are actually the native language. They are also used by cabbies behind you to let you know that the light will turn green in 5 seconds.
A trip across town (East to West) will take a minimum of four hours, although many Nort/Sout streets have unposted minimum speeds of 75 mph.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 95, especially if you are driving a 10 ton waste hauler with bald tires, no tarp, and no mud flaps.
The wrought iron bars on windows near Englewood, and Austin are NOT for ornamental purposes!
The Congress expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: Which of those 2 words don't you understand?
It is highly advisable not to try to pet or feed those packs of wild dogs roaming on the shoulder of the road.
If it's 100 degrees, it's the Taste Of Chicago.
If it's 10 below and snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, then the Western Open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees,
tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his "yard", run him over.
And the most important thing to remember is this... If you park on a side street side where someone has blocked off a parking space with a broom and a kitchen chair... You WILL be killed!!!
Welcome to Chicago!
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live Nort or Sout of Roosevelt Rd.
(We all know that the Nort side is for "normal" people... cross that line to the Sout and you are in the Twilight Zone back in the 50's where there's a bowling alley on every corner.)
Next, if your road map is more then a few weeks old, throw it out, and buy a new one.
If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules...
"Close your eyes, hit the gas, and pray!"
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago, we all drive like that!
All directions start with, "Get on I-94" which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from Midnight to Noon.
The evening rush hour is from Noon to Midnight.
The weekend rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, or possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect on their vehicle.
Car horns are actually the native language. They are also used by cabbies behind you to let you know that the light will turn green in 5 seconds.
A trip across town (East to West) will take a minimum of four hours, although many Nort/Sout streets have unposted minimum speeds of 75 mph.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 95, especially if you are driving a 10 ton waste hauler with bald tires, no tarp, and no mud flaps.
The wrought iron bars on windows near Englewood, and Austin are NOT for ornamental purposes!
The Congress expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: Which of those 2 words don't you understand?
It is highly advisable not to try to pet or feed those packs of wild dogs roaming on the shoulder of the road.
If it's 100 degrees, it's the Taste Of Chicago.
If it's 10 below and snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, then the Western Open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees,
tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his "yard", run him over.
And the most important thing to remember is this... If you park on a side street side where someone has blocked off a parking space with a broom and a kitchen chair... You WILL be killed!!!
Welcome to Chicago!
