Would Like some advice

[Christopher Laurencio]

Okay - I would imagine that at least some of you guys have either dealt with this or contemplated this or something.



My Mother-in law who retires this spring lives in a basement apartment by herself, divorced for 30+ years!

My wife who really wants to get back in the workforce can't right now because we have a three year old boy and a fiver year old boy. My wife can't get a PT job because we live in a rural area where you must travel at least an hour for employment, and it would not be worth the money with the cost of childcare. I must admit that currently with me only working we get along fine, we can't afford a lavish lifestyle but do get what we need and then maybe a little more. (Like a BassBoat )



Anyway, we have been thinking about having her mom come live with us and watch the boys fulltime when she retires, it would make the wife happy, she would get her mom out of the ghetto basemant apartment and we could afford to live closer to civilization. BUT - I don't really get along with her that well and we fear it would put a huge strain on us!

My point is that eventually her mom will need some sort of visitation on a constant basis and she lives two hours from us.



What do you all think?

Anyone have this situation now or in the past?

Am I nuts?

 

[Christopher Laurencio]

Thanks, I think the sacrifice would have to come from me. And yes rules would have to be established. She is kinda one of these people who do what they want how they want without regard for others "rules". I would look for a Mother Daughter house or something where I could convert the basement into an apartment. I can't build in NJ cause that would be about $700k.

 

[Christopher Laurencio]

Agreed! As longs as the wifes escape is not the Credit Card.

 

[fatrap]

There is no way I'd let my mother in law move in with my wife and I. Just no way. Reasons

1. Mother in laws are used to setting rules and having other people follow them.

2. Forget privacy

3. Everytime you want to go somewhere or do something you have to consider "MoM" should we take her along.

4. If it doesn't work out what are you gonna do with her? Set her on a chunk of ice for the polar bears to eat like the Eskamoes do?

5. Mom has HER way of running a house hold. Is it exactly the same as your wife?

6. Grandma may spoil the kids in ways that make disapline a touchy item.

Man I could go on and on.

Even if my mother in law was a saint. I wouldn't want her full time unless she came with an Off/on switch so I could turn her off and store her in the closet when not needed.

Just my two cents worth.

fatrap

 

[Texas Transplant]

Chris,



Been through some of that myself. The first time that an eldery parent (or parent in law) moves in with family, is generally the roughest.



We had both parents-in-law with us for about 3 months. It was brutal. Not only did we have the problems with them losing their identiy (so to speak), we completely lost our privacy. And I mean completely.



The other part of this is the influence from eldery parents, trying to help raise youngsters. Even though my son was a teen when we went through this, the effect they had on him, and also the advice we got as parents, was very stressful.



If this was needed from a medical/caregiver perspective, then you could make a go of it. If this is being done from a 'this sounds like a good idea' approach, beware.



No amount of agreements or discussion up front, will prepare either you or your parent-in-law for what will happen.



Tex

 

[Rick Cohoon]

CJL,



In September sold our house moved 160 miles bought a house with enough room to bring my mom (73 and frail) in with us. Wife get's along with her OK, kids (4 & 2) so, so. Her sacrafice our two oldest (17 & 16) stay with her ex. My sacrafice is 154 miles one way to work every day. However, we are now no longer worring about mom, and for short stretchs she watchs the little bits so we can go to dinner.



It is all in the mind set, we wanted to and had to make it work. So far it is.



Good luck.

 

[Christopher Laurencio]

Thanks Rick, Tex, Fatrap,



This may sound terrible but....

For now and who knows how long, she is capable of seeing over the boys after school or on days they have off! So my thought process is that in five years my wife will be asking me to have her move in and or make some sort of concession for her mothers care when she becomes older. If I have her move in with us now, I can at least get my wife back to work, move into a more expensive house and grow into that mortgage for at least a couple of years. I know that sounds bad, but I'm trying to be pro-active in the financial and living conditions areas.



It would be very hard though, we don't get along great now, with her living with me it might just cause more harm than good, gotta think about it more.

 

[Larry Harp]

Chris, I suggest you watch some "King of Queens" re-runs and pay close attention to the "fun" times he has with his father-in-law living in the basement.

I also like fatrap's idea of an on/off switch....that's what every married man needs. LOL



Harpo

 

[fatrap]

Good luck on your decision.



Fatrap

 

[Christopher Laurencio]

Harpo,

I could only wish she was as funny as the guy in the Basement on King of Queens. LOL

 

[Carlos Hathcock III]

OK,

Let me give you a success story, well for the msot part anyway.



My mom has lived with us for about 3 years now. My father in law lived with us for a bout a year prior to his passing.



Mom and dad in law had to move inwith us due to health stuff. Mom needed to be able to have a one level house and not have to worry about all that goes with the hosue. So, she moved in with us. We haev a 3 level house. Converted the Formal Dining room into her room, the Forlam living room into dads in law room. Mom has stayed on the main level, with the stove, TV, refergerator etc. We added a shower stall to the laundry room so that they could shower, and still go to the bathroom if needed.



I personally think it has worked out. Mom watches David (kinda, he is 15) until we get home from work. Mom makes dinner when Sue has to work late.



There is some friction between mom and Sue. But, when that happens all go their respective rooms, as we all have a get away room/area. Mom has adjusted well to the house and also her not having the automony of the house, shopping etc.



I woudl not trade the time that my dad in law or my mom has spent with David. That time he will remember for the rest of his life. Lots of good lessons to be taught by the grandparents plus mom is a softy and hooks David up too You know grandparents!!!



Pheewww sorry for the long post. But, I would not trade them staying with us for anything in the world.



Carlos

 

[Scott Hammer TOXIC]

CIII is a saint. My "roots" are in small town Iowa (pop 300) where it is customary for families to take in aging parents. My mother took in my maternal grandmother. When my mother retired she started talking about selling her house in Nebraska and moving in with us here in Virginia. I had to break her heart and tell her that co-habitating just wasn't going to happen. I would gladly get her a place to live near us -or- I would bring her out for extended stays. My wife grew up in a family that was very mobile, her father had some pretty high profile positions (CEO Midland Electronics, Board of Directors CBS records, #2 man at Western Auto, etc.) and she made it crystal clear to me that she could not exist under those circumstances, thus the compromise. I know that if I had done it, the relationship between my mother and I would have suffered. Not to mention the wife. I know other people who are doing it and have done it but to tell you the truth they all agree it is a major amount of work and emotional strain.



TOXIC